At war with myself

There is a war being fought within me. Or I was abducted by aliens and placed into someone else's body. SOMETHING is going on. And not only is it causing me stress and frustration along with discomfort and pain... it is causing me to feel as though I am not able to communicate properly (well). I am a talker. I am almost never at a loss for words. And I always thought I was able to get my thoughts across well... no longer am I confident that I can express myself well. (sigh)



Anyone who knows me, knows that I have been working on becoming healthy and living a healthy lifestyle - something completely new for me. I've incorporated eating healthy as well as exercising (cardio) and strength training. I started on this journey in October 2007 and have lost over 50 pounds so far. I am very proud of myself and my accomplishments. I have lost a lot of fat, increased my strength and cardio abilities. I am not tired and my body doesn't ache like it used to. I can walk and not hurt or become fatigued quickly/easily. I WANT to be outside doing things. This is all new for me. Even when I was thin, I wasn't fit. I am becoming fit. :)



So, what is the problem, right? Sounds like everything is great.

Perhaps I am just being whiney about it. If that is the case, then I just need to get over myself and move on. If you have a thought or opinion on this, feel free to share.

When I was at my heaviest, I was miserable and in pain whenever I tried to do things (like walking, carrying clothes baskets, etc...). I knew it was because of my weight and the pain was then justified. I hated it, so decided to do something about it... hence the lifestyle change. I have been feeling better and better with each pound that I shed. With each day further into a better, healthier lifestyle.

Until this year. Until I hit 40. Until... whatever milestone you want to throw in there. Whatever "thing" you want to throw in there as the "beginning" of this shit.

I was feeling poorly for so long, that I didn't realize how bad off I really was, I don't think. That is why the severe anemia diagnosis came out of nowhere and smacked me square in the jaw. That was in March/April. If you read my blog or know me, you'll know that I got an iron infusion and that seems to have done the trick. I go for one more blood draw to confirm that everything is staying up where it should be - then I will be considered "cured" without further testing or explanation of how I became severely anemic.

After that, came my yearly GYN visit where he ordered my first mammogram. Came back with abnormalities in both breasts. Lovely. Had to then go for an ultrasound of both breasts. Something was detected in the right breast and I am to go back in December for a followup ultrasound to see if there are any changes. If not, then I am just abnormal - which would be "normal" for me and what is being seen would then be labled... nothing.

At that same GYN visit, I asked for YAZ birth control pills. Two reasons... Severe PMS and because we officially decided no more TTC and we don't want a "surprise" thrown at us now. I hope that statement doesn't offend anyone. I know many would love a surprise at any age. Don't hate me or begrudge me for my choices at this point in my life. So, he gives me YAZ and I get the bright idea to ask to do back-to-back packs so that I skip having a period altogether. Who likes AF anyway, right? Right! So, I get the ok from the doctor's office... and a week into the second pack, I start bleeding and bleed for about 19 days. About 14 days into it, I call the doctor - he orders blood tests and schedules a visit to see him. I see him, he gives me more pills and instructions on how to get back on track with the BCPs and we will try back-to-back one more time and see how it goes. So, after 19 days of bleeding... I finally get relief and the bleeding stops (from the extra pills he gave me)... For THREE days. THREE! :( Yes, I am bleeding again. And it is heavy. And I have cramps. After bleeding for 19 days, how much could actually be built up in there? I figured not much. I figured wrong.

So, hormonally, my body is screwed up. PMS is back, I'm a pig, I'm a bear and I'm bloated. Freaking yay. Oh, and Niagara Falls has taken up residence in my hoo-ha. Okay, maybe not NIAGARA FALLS... but a small, fast flowing stream. Okay? :)

And... my neck and left knee have been bothering me. I see a chiropractor, but this neck pain felt "different", not like I needed a manipulation/adjustment. So, I went to the PCP instead. She ordered x-rays of both areas. Knee is tendonitis. Yipee. Neck is disc degeneration. I'm taking ibuprofen and seeing the chiropractor to see if he can give me some relief. So far... nothing. :( I *thought* maybe a little improvement yesterday - today... No.

So, my neck hurts today. My knee is giving me troubles and feels really "tight". In addition, the backs of my thighs - down by my knees are tight and tender feeling, but it is not from lifting as I am resting in that area of my life so as not to aggrivate the neck area. And now, for whatever reason, I have a sore spot on the bottom of my right foot. Whatever. (sigh) Oh yeah... and the ingrown toenail is STILL hanging around and giving me trouble too.

So, this ... all of this... is why I feel like my body has waged war on me. I am improving my life, I should be feeling good - not feeling like my body is quitting on me.

Oh yeah... everyone in my family has been giving me a hard time and calling me deaf lately. So, at the fair yesterday - there was a booth set up and they were doing free hearing tests. I thought it was a good idea to do one. I am borderline. 20% hearing loss. I can't hear low tones well at all. So of course.... that is 3/5 of my family - the men with their low voices. I just can't hear them or make out what they are saying a LOT of the time. My boss and his son - both men, soft spoken - can't hear them hardly at all if they aren't right beside me. And even if they are beside me sometimes I still have troubles. It is ridiculous.

Let's not even talk about my eyesight. I bet the next time I get my eyes checked... I will move to bifocals. Do they sell contacts that are bifocals? Small print sucks.

Age. Age has snuck up on me and bashed me good. I'm in round 3 and ready to be KO'd here. I want to win this fight, but am not even sure how one goes about fighting themselves... and coming out the winner.

Full/Best Summer

Since I am sharing photos, I might as well share some more... =D

Honestly, this was THE best summer of my adulthood. We got to do a lot this summer. I've really enjoyed it. I've been extremely overweight for a long time - and a big part of my life (battled it all my life). I've not been able to have a summer filled with activities that I was able to participate in and enjoy. Walking was a real chore the last few years. That made most everything, not fun. Since I've lost so much weight (so far), I was able to do so much more. THAT in of itself is enough reason to lose weight! And we were able to go on our very first family vacation. Never, since I have had my kids (my oldest is 19, the youngest is 14), never have I been financially in a position to have a family vacation. You cannot imagine how much this summer has meant to me.

In addition to our week trip to Geneva-On-The-Lake, OH (post below), we were able to see the balloons lift during Balloon Quest. Balloon Quest happens each year in our township and I'd yet to be able to time it right to get to see the balloons rise (hot air balloons that is). My DD is the photographer of the family. I did not take these shots, she did. It is so cool to see them all and watch them rise and float off...

Vacation Photos

Here are some photos from our vacation at Geneva-On-The-Lake, OH. We had a great time. We were there the week ended July 13th. We stayed at Long Lake House. A VERY nice house rental. Kelly & Denny Long are great people with a lovely piece of property. :) We all enjoyed ourselves!

The Men Of Steel (an all male dance review aka Strippers) were at a local bar on Wednesday during our vacation. My Mom, MIL, SIL and I all went to see them. TOTALLY NOT what I expected. Ever see the movie, The Full Monty? THAT is what I was expecting (minus the full nudity). THAT is NOT what I saw. I can barely even describe it. I thought I was on the wild and risky side of life (beings that I have a penis tattoo)... oh was I in for a complete shock! And I got trashed and went home early. I got trashed because the show started an hour and a half late. I started doing shots and with my increased metabolism... I was out, quick. BAD! I don't think I could have handled the "Finale" that they kept saying was coming anyway. I could barely "handle" the 3 strippers that did perform before I left that night. My eyes had to be surgically replaced back in their sockets and I said "Holy Crap" more times in that hour-ish, than I did in MY ENTIRE 40 YEARS OF LIFE!!! I saw male strippers. BTDT. No need to do it again. Wow.

First photo is of my mom with "Jake", one of the "dancers".

This one is of the body guard holding my mom. Yes, the have body guards. If you are familiar with what goes on during their show, they NEED a body guard. They called him Sgt. Big Guns, I think (drunk, remember? lol).


See.... drunk. (SIL, Chris on left - me on right)


This is my mom with the only one of them that wasn't "gross about it". I can't remember his name right at this moment. But he genuinely seemed like a nice person. He was the only one who did NOT strip down to a g-string. Thus, his was the only butt I grabbed.


Beach, scenery...

The kids and their tattoos (temp ones of course, lol)



Just random family shots...

And these are my favs out of all the ones we took.

40 = {anemia - weight + muscle} / neck degenertion * (breast abnormality + stress) + xrays + [blood draws * X]

Solve for X. LOL

Since my diagnosis of severe anemia, I've had more blood drawn than my entire life total - I do believe. LOL Since 40 started creeping up on me... I've had blood draws, iron infusions, pap smears, mammograms, ultrasounds, blood draws, xrays, blood draws. Chiropractic treatments, doctor visits, excessive and unusual bleeding, BCPs, blood draws and some.... stress to go along with it all.

Yes. 40 is a beautiful number. It brings all kinds of joy and wonder (wonder what is going to "break" next!). Who said 40 is the next 30? They need smacked in the back of the head. lol

Oh yeah... and DH was in a car accident. Totalled the car. Totally his fault (according to Trooper Bell). Totally left us in a bind. Car accident = 3 days off work + {fines * 2} - running reliable vehicle + [sleep / 2] + (gasoline * 3). It was raining hard after a long dry spell. Fireman said that brings oil to the road surface making it even more slick when the downpour came. DH was going slow (under the speed limit) but it was still too fast for driving conditions (according to Trooper Bell) and he slid down a hill and hit a minivan that cut the bend too short (but that is irrelevant according to Trooper Bell) this making the accident 100% DH's fault. Yay. Good for DH, he finally did something 100%. LMAO


Good news is.... Current Cathy = Old Cathy minus a little over 50 pounds! Woo Hoo for me! =D

We had a wonderful vacation. I need to put some pics here. They are all family pics - nothing really scenic from our vacation. It was all about family time and relaxation - not scenery or activities.

Short on time right now, but wanted to post something! Thanks to Lisa for the reminder that I've been neglecting my blog-ly duties!

Until we meet again...